


Bird Law

by rum_ham



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-07-26 19:30:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7587022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rum_ham/pseuds/rum_ham
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the gang is doing a scheme that needs some legal work, and Charlie is more than happy to get the lawyer to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bird Law

“I’m telling you guys, I can do the legal work myself. I’m pretty well versed in the law and—“

“No Charlie. We need an actual lawyer to pull this off, you can’t forge shit. If we want this plan to actually wor-“

“Who said I was ‘forging’ anything”

“Charlie, you are not a real lawyer so making legal documents and trying to pass them off as real would be a forgery.” Dennis was starting to get frustrated, he tried to entertain   
Charlie’s ridiculous dream of being a lawyer as long as he could, but he was reaching the end of his rope. “Just call your uncle Jack. He’s cheap, he’s fast. It’s exactly what we need.”

“Well, I don’t really know about that because he’s not really the kind of lawyer and he doesn’t, well he,” Charlie trailed off. He couldn’t explain the actual reason why he didn’t want to involve uncle Jack. 

“You know what this is ridiculous, I’m just gonna call the guy.” Dennis said while taking out his phone.

“No wait!” Charlie screamed in his usual high pitched tone, that they’ve been hearing less and less throughout the years. It’s seemed to have died down through age, so now when he used it, it was sure to get the attention he wanted. “What about the other lawyer.”

“Who? The Jew that scammed us out of our kitten mitten cash?” interjected frank.

“Charlie, did you forget? He has a restraining order on all of us,” Mac added.

“Hey, a restraining order never stopped me before. I see the waitress every single day.” Charlie said with a grin on his face while snapping his fingers.

“Fine Charlie, just as long as it’s you getting arrested and not us, I’m fine with you talking to him,” dee said while walking behind the bar to get a beer.  
. . .

Charlie arrived at the lawyer’s office later that day. It took him a good 15 minutes but he was able to sneak past the assistant without restraining her or locking her in a closet. 

“Now, how did you get in here? I have a restraining order against you, what are you doing here?” the lawyer exhaled looking exasperated.

“Hearsay” Charlie coughed out, “I just need a little help writing up a couple of documents then I’ll be out of your hair.”

“Wait why are you even coming to me? Don’t you know that other lawyer? uh, the one with the small hands.” Again Charlie got quiet and mumbled out a couple excuses. The lawyer, being much more observant than everyone in the gang understood that there was something wrong and decided to move past it. “Okay, just as long as none of your other friends are involved, I’ll help.”

“Oh really? That’s fantastic,” Charlie was surprised, because this was the first time him breaking a restraining order ever worked out. For the next half hour Charlie explained the new scheme to the lawyer, who after noticing the many flaws in it, estimated that the legal work would take a couple of weeks.   
. . .

Charlie showed up again at the lawyer’s office the next day. This time the assistant immediately saw him. He reached for the duct tape in his pocket but was stopped when she greeted him, instead of trying to call for security.

“Oh hello, Mr. Kelly. I’m sorry but Mr.- “

“Wait, you’re not gonna try to have me dragged out of here?”

“No, of course not, now that you’re working with Mr,- “

“So I can just go right in?”

“No, but he wanted me to ask you if he could schedule a standing appointment for 12:30, until your legal work is finished, Mr. Kelly.” This made Charlie feel very dignified and like a person to be taken seriously, just as the lawyer had intended.

“Oh, well I’ll be back in the morrow, at uh how you say 12:30.” The assistant was of course off put by Charlie’s odd change in tone and posture, when in his mind he was just being more lawyer-like.

“Um, okay. See you then, Mr. Kelly.”  
. . .

The next day Charlie arrived on time, this time in his yellow button down shirt, a tie, and little glasses at the end of his nose. He announced that he was there for an important meeting, the assistant smiled and led him into the office. This was usually the lawyer’s lunch break, but since Charlie wasn’t paying him he decided to do their meetings then.  
They talked for a half hour, and once they reached a stopping point Charlie got up to leave.

“We made a lot of progress today. I think we could probably finish this up within a week.” The lawyer stood up and grabbed his suit case.

“Oh great, and— “Charlie noticed that the lawyer was also getting up and making his way to the door, “oh are you leaving too?”

“Yeah,” the lawyer sighed, “I’m on my lunch break”

“Oh well so am I, Haven’t really decided what to eat yet. These various lawyerings really work up an appetite… Where are you going to eat?”

“I’m not sure yet.”

“Maybe we could take a car together, in case we end up deciding on the same thing. I mean it really would be a waste to take separate cars.” The lawyer could tell Charlie was fishing for an invitation.

“Would you by any chance want to accompany me to lunch?”

“Yeah, I think there’s room in my schedule, let’s go,” 

“Where do you want to eat?”

“I just refilled the energy balls at my apartment so we could have some of those.”

“I’m sorry, energy balls?”

“Yeah energy balls. Milk, flour and vitamins dude. A couple can sustain you for the whole day.” Charlie explained while slightly flexing, something the observant lawyer couldn’t help but notice.

“No, let’s go to a restaurant. Have you been to Guigino’s?”  
. . .

After ordering, they sat there very pleased until the lawyer decided to ask a question that had been weighing on him the past couple of days.

“So why did your friends only send you?”

“Oh I don’t know, they’re kinda scared of restraining orders and stuff like that. But I know it’s just paperwork, you know? So I didn’t really mind coming.” It bothered the lawyer how obviously the gang took advantage of him, he was quick to pick up on their group dynamic and couldn’t help but feel bad for Charlie.  
Do your friends have you do those kind of things a lot?” the lawyer’s voice was much softer than Charlie was used to. It was kinder, not at all angry or accusatory.

“Well, yeah. Whatever they don’t wanna do is Charlie work. Basement stuff, rat bashing. They think I’m dumb and try to take advantage of me a little bit, but I know I’m still important to them. I’m sort of the foundation of the gang, it may mean I’m on the bottom and all, but at least they still need me.”

“Well, here we’re just two people. You don’t have to worry about bashing rats.” They smiled at each other, but were interrupted by Charlie’s phone ringing. 

“Hello?” 

“Yeah, Charlie it’s Dennis. Where are you? Never mind I don’t care, just get down to the bar quick. We just came upon some major ideas, also frank clogged the last working toilet, so you better get on that.” Charlie let out a quick sigh then answered that he was on his way. He had been staring at the lawyer, who heard the conversation and offered to drive him back.  
. . .

Charlie came again the next day and they started pouring over the documents the lawyer had written up.

“Mhm, and uh what’s that say” Charlie asked while pointing to the first sentence on the paper.”

“Can, can you not read?”

“Well it’s not that I can’t read it, I just have a little trouble sometimes.” 

“Here, read a sentence from this paper to me.” Charlie cleared his throat then began coughing out random words.

“How have you not learned to read? That’s astounding.”

“Listen, man, I’m not like illiterate, I just have a little trouble, okay?” The lawyer took out a legal pad and wrote the alphabet down along with a simple sentence.

“Here, I can try to teach you a couple things. I don’t want you to accidentally drink bleach or something.”

“Oh, no dude, bleach is pretty good. Don’t drink too much though, ‘cause then you’ll throw up a lot.”

“Jesus Christ, okay let’s start with the alphabet.”  
. . .

“So Charlie, how are the meetings with the lawyer going?” Mac asked while carefully cutting the sleeves off of one of Dennis’ old shirts.

“Mac, we abandoned that plan weeks ago. How in the world did you possible think we were still doing it?”

“No Dennis, we just put it on the backburner. Ask Charlie, he’s been seeing the lawyer like every day since.”

“Oh really? Huh, what’ve you and the lawyer been doing, Charlie?”

“Just like working on lawyer stuff, you probably wouldn’t understand it.”

“Please, if you could understand it then so could a dog. Anyway, why is it taking so long? Are you almost done?”

“Well, I’ve actually been learning a lot about the law, so it’s gonna take a little longer, but don’t worry dude. I mean, do you want it done right or want it done fast.”

“I just want it done, man. “  
. . .

Charlie and the lawyer were in his office the next day looking at a white board with a sentence that Charlie wrote on it.

“Great job, Charlie. That sentence has two clauses in it. You are a very fast learner.”

“Thanks! I feel like I could probably get my law degree in a couple months.”

“I don’t know about that, but you’ve made substantial progress.” Charlie smiled then suddenly remembered the conversation he had with Mac and Dennis the day before.

“Oh, uh, I think I have to go. The gang’s getting weird about me coming everyday so I don’t think I should stay for lunch. I’ll see you later though.” The lawyer was unsettled by Charlie’s abrupt leaving. He thought about how it probably meant that their meetings would end pretty soon if the gang started to disapprove. Good, now he could get on with his life and not have to be bothered every day. This madness would finally end.  
. . .

Charlie didn’t show up the next day. The lawyer thought it’d make him happy but he was left empty and bored. He thought Charlie was just an annoying chore that he couldn’t shake off, but he realized he didn’t want to shake him off at all. He had made his days lighter and less dull. Spending all day writing briefs and worrying about work made his life feel like a boring purposeless cycle. He made a decision, grabbed the documents he wrote for Charlie and drove to Paddy’s Pub.  
The lawyer walked into the bar, where Dee, Mac, and Dennis were screaming at each other. Frank was busy using his toe knife, sitting on a bar stool, and Charlie was in a booth drinking his 7th beer for the afternoon. They all stopped what they were doing when they noticed him walk in.

“What are you doing here?” Dee loudly questioned.

“Yeah, don’t you have a restraining order against us?” Mac added.

“listen pal, you’re not getting any more money outta me, if that’s why you’re here,” Frank yelled, pointing his toe knife at him, and still assuming he was Jewish.

“I’ve got all the documents you need right here.” The lawyer pulled out his brief case, set it on the bar and opened it.

“It’s about time, hand them over,” Dennis demanded while walking over with his hand out. Charlie still didn’t say anything. 

“Now this should be the last time I see you all. The restraining order is still binding and I am far from afraid of reporting you. Good bye, enjoy your terrible lives together.” The lawyer said in his old loud arrogant voice that he hadn’t used around Charlie for weeks. He went out of the bar and started walking toward his car.

“Wait,” Charlie yelled, “he forgot his briefcase. I’ll go bring it to him.” He ran, grabbed the briefcase and caught the lawyer just before he got in the car. “You forgot this, man.”

“Oh thanks, I actually forgot one more thing.” Charlie felt his heart pounding and a surge of excitement pulse through him. The lawyer opened his briefcase again. Charlie felt the excitement die and disappointment take over.

“This,” he handed Charlie a paper, “nullifies my restraining order against only you.”

“Really? Thanks, man. So would it still be fine if I dropped by your office sometimes.”

“We have a standing appointment don’t we?” The Lawyer turned to get in his car then added “Oh yeah and I forgot one more thing.” He turned back around, grabbed Charlie’s face and pushed it against his own. Charlie always thought kissing was gross and sticky, but nothing had ever felt more right. He kissed back hard on the lawyer’s mouth, feeling more in power than he ever had in his life. The lawyer took a step back and got in his car. He rolled down the window and said “See you tomorrow.”


End file.
